Confident but no selfesteem
by randoom
Summary: Onehot. Do you know those nights you cannot sleep? Sometimes you are hit by the most obvious. ShikaIno


So, well, sometime ago I wrote a Oneshot called "not really troublesome at all", which contains a loveletter from Shikamaru to Ino.

Today, or better to say, tonight I felt to write something more about their relationship. So that will be a loveletter from Ino to Shikamaru. You don't have to read the other fanfic, because actually, they do not have much in common or are related to each other.

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Do you know that? You are lying in your bed, hour by hour, spending your time on thinking useless thoughts?

Maybe you don't know, but Yamanaka Ino does.

This night was exacly one of these nights. Ino was lying in bed. It was pretty quiet around her. Nothing special according to the fact that everybody else was asleep. One hour after another she was rolling from side to side, sitting up, fluffing her pillow, laying down again and rolling from side to side again.

It was hell, bittersweet hell.

How could she come up with this thoughts for her comrade? Her COMRADE!

That was not fair... But actually it couldn't have been avoided, right? They had been friends like ... like forever, ever since, as long as she could remember.

You might thought that it should not be a problem loving your friend, one of your best friends, but it definatly was! And Ino forecast it.

Of course, she had liked Sasuke-kun, but this couldn't last for so long. Every girl liked him. But it was so stupid. Of course, he was cool, ice-cool - yep, he was frozen and never showing any emotions. Secondly he was only loyal to himself and annoyed by everything. First that attitude seemed pretty mature and everything, but... it was so not right. She had realised after he left. She realised how stupid he was to hurt everybody who loved him. She realised, that he was not worth it. He was neat and handsome and talented but he lacked so much more.

She had realised all that.

And just a short time later she had realised her growing feelings for someone else.

It had been soon after the incident... The day Asuma-sensei died.

Up til that day, everything seemed fine.

There had been certain transactions before, but none of THAT kind.

She remembered, it all began soon after the Chunninexam some years ago. First Shikamaru got promoted. She envied him a bit, but she was glad, too. He deserved it in some ways. He really was intelligent and a genius in his own ninja's way.

Then the Hokage died. The great fight in the village happened, and then everything changed for sure. Tsunade-sama came to them, Sasuke left, Naruto left to train, Shikamaru was busy doing stuff for the academy, because they lacked teachers, she herself was training too, everyday she met Sakura - training to become a medical nin or also sometimes sitting on the lake crying. She had lost everything, but soon stood up again to bloom even more. Oh, sometimes Ino envied her so much, but though she also tried to have a new good relationship with her.

Then while life was getting on, she grew, became much more of a woman, became Chunnin together with Choji and finaly lost her feelings for Sasuke. Sometimes she even doubt that there had been real feelings.

She also made her first experiences in love life. The story about her first kiss was one of the most weird things that happened and she could clearly remember.

It had been a very peaceful evening. Choji and her were coming back from a two man mission, and were just hanging around somewhere in the village, before it was time to go home again for them. They were watching the sky and having a long talk lying on a meadow in high grass. Ino had recognized that Chouji was always a good partner for a good talk. Maybe even better than every woman, because he wasn't to anxious to talk about himself, but he always listened and always had a good advice.

"I wonder what feeling it might be kissing someone...", she assumed point-black.

"It's a funny feeling... At first a bit wet. A bit weird, but nice."

Ino gave an odd glance at her old friend. "Who?!", she asked just by a suspecting mumble and Chouji blushed a little.

"Someone... a girl. I guess, you don't know her, and even if, I would not tell you. You would just gossip."

He smiled gently and Ino couldn't supress a smile, too. "Okay... so you have had your first kiss... Oh, I bet, even Sakura had her first kiss!! I'm the only unkissed person in whole Konoha - for sure!!"

"No, you are not. Shikamaru also haven't kissed someone yet."

"Really?"

"Yeeeeep"

"I thought he liked Temari?!"

"He does, some kind of, but he hadn't had the guts to kiss her. It's too troublesome, he said."

"I wounder..."

"What?", Chouji liftet his eyebrows.

"Nothing, I just wondered... - "

Another "what?", came from behind. It was Shikamaru having searched for them because of the training plan for the next day. "I looked for you a whole troublesome hour. And you were sitting here?"

"Actually, yeah", Chouji replied.

Another "troublesome"-mumble, and Shikamaru let himself falling into the meadow, too. He looked up watching the rising moon. "So, what were you wondering about, Ino?"

"Um...", she quickly looked for an answer. "I wondered if ... you ... would close your eyes, if I asked for it."

"Troublesome... and what if I do close my eyes?"

"Um... that's a suprise." She shortly looked at Chouji who once again just raised his brows with a asking mien, but he didn't do everything and with another "troublesome", Shikamaru did close his eyes.

So, there was no way back, and actually it would be no bad thing kissing Shikamaru. He was a good friend and it was better having his first kiss with his good friend than with any guy, so that she would regret having wasted this experience later on.

She looked at him. He seemed relaxed, waiting. And suddenly she felt excited, oh yes, that would be her first kiss, though!

She got closer to him and felt even more excitement as she closed her eyes. Little by little she got nearer and her heart jumped a little by the suprise of touching his lips all of a sudden.

They were soft, unexpectable soft.

He didn't accomplish anything against this action. Rather vice versa. She was suprised finding him kissing her back. And Chouji was right, it really was kind of wet, but she didn't bother, because he had been also right about kissing being a nice feeling. The whole situation became even stranger as, also unexpected, the kiss got some deeper and their tongues were touching.

On the whole the kiss was lasting for about half a minute - and afterwards Ino realized that this was just possible because they both had been excited teenager without any experience.

They broke apart.

Still Ino was bowed over him as he opened his eyes again. "Troublesome woman", he murmured very quiet. Then he sat up. "So, well, I guess we can talk about the training plan tomorrow." And with that he walked away.

Luckily their relationship hadn't changed.

Ino smiled, thinking about that happening. It was about half a year now since then.

Well, after having that experience, she had some boyfriends, but no real close realtionship and just kissing. After some month she decided that it was no more fun kissing guys without having feelings for them, well, without really knowing them.

So she concentrated on working and learning again and she did some progress.

And then - the incident.

Once again.

All lucky feelings she had gained through remembering old good memories vanished. Asuma-sensei died, nearly two months ago. She could clearly remember that too, but she didn't long for it. It was no pretty good experience, although she realized something because of it, too. "You are confident... don't lose to Sakura." A short moment she allowed herself to think about her sensei's last words. No, she wouldn't lose to Sakura, at least not in love. Her poor friend was still waiting for Sasuke, forgetting the things right in front of her.

But her.. Ino had the possibility to have the person she had a crush on. It was that incident, that showed that too. And the countless visits with the team at Kurenai's with her growing belly.

Ino had a clear image of Shikamaru looking worried at Kurenai-sensei and the baby in her belly in front of her inner eye. She knew, Shikamaru would try to help growing the kid as soon as it had seen the light of world. Because he_cared_.

That was the most important thing Ino had ever realised about her comrade. He cared. Of course, he was sometimes as icy as Sasuke had been, and he was always thinking and working and everything, but he cared... That made it so much different.

And as soon as she had realised it, she remembered all the times Shikamaru was worried and caring for his team and friend and the missions they did together.

Ino pulled causiously on her earring. Her team, her comrade, her crush ... - no, the one she had simply fallen in love with.

Shit, she loved him!

For the first time, she had said it as it really was. Not aloud but... holy crap she was in love with her friend. Shit. Double shit! She would break their entire relationship! How could this have happened??

She couldn't tell him, could she?

For the hundreth time that night she sat up in her bed. She couldn't tell him, but she couldn't go on like nothing had ever happened! How could she otherwise sleep ever again?

"You are confident..." This words... They were true. She was Ino. She HAD to do something.

With that she stood up and walked over to a place at the window with a blank piece of paper and a pen in her hand.

Dear Shikamaru,

You are right: Everything is so troublesome. I know, that's your word, but it's so damn true, because if it wasn't, I wouldn't write this letter to you.

There is something important I want to speak about with you. You see, I'm confident, so I take some action, but actually I am not brave enough to have a proper talk with you. And I am afraid there wouldn't be enogh time for us too. You work so much. If you are not working as shinobi, then you are working as foster-father for little Asuma jr.

I'm worried. I tend so much. So much, I cannot sleep. Like nearly every night.

I care too much for you.

That drives me crazy.

How do I manage to think about you?

How do I manage to ALWAYS think about you?

Lingering? Everyday?

How do you manage that I won't be able to ever withdraw me from you?

I dunno.

It is because you are like you are. Always bothered, but nice to your friends. troubled but so caring. Funny although acting icy.

You always give me hope and comfort and I wish I could give you the same just one time. I am afraid I totally fail at that... I cannot give you anything.

Ironical, isn't it?

I am supposed to are confident, but I have no self-esteem. Nothing will be ever good enough for you.

Not even my deep feelings of love.

I promised Asuma-sensei not to lose. Never. Not even in love. Well, I dunno if I won anything, I highly doubt it, but at least I tried and that is everything I am able to do.

x x x Love, Ino

PS: Please, if you don't return my feelings then just forget about it. I wouldn't like to ruin our team or our friendship.

The last word written, she fold the paper in the middle section. Then she layed it under her pillow and layed down again. Yes, she tried. Hiding her feelings was never her special ability. And about a reply she would worry another day.

* * *

Got some help by the dictionary but still need a beta!!! Hoh... How many mistakes did I make?

Though I am kinda proud. I like how it came out.


End file.
